I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
