What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
