Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
