he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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