So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
