When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
