In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
where does the pee come out of this thing
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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