Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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