I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
