singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
