.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
