he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
