No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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