if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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