Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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