I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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