Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
