Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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