Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Of course I have a pirate flag
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
