I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
