The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im six kinds of drunk right now
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
