I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
