i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
