just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
