And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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