her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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