How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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