I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
