dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
