If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
