What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
