No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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