had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
