he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
