I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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