we have pet lesbian snakes
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
All I want is dick and wine.
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