It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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