Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
