I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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