my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
