i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
