from now on my penis is your penis
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
