There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
