I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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