woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
