I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
