what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
