hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
