Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
