you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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