I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
