I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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